It’s easy to tell by a mere glance that this blog is almost 100% angst. The reason for this is that I need some place to vent. I can’t do it on my oh so public tumblr, lest I look like an attention-seeking idiot. So I made this blog, that no one knows about, where I can record my anxieties, my problems, in the privacy of strangers. I don’t post for views. I barely get them anyway. So it works out.

Right now, I am at home for Christmas vacation. My family moved from New York to Georgia when I was 14; they moved back just a few months ago. I am now 20. So I am trapped in college in Georgia, having already started, and desperately needing the state-awarded financial aid. But for now, I am here. In a new house, surrounded by family that had long grown adjusted to our absence and probably regrets that we’re back.

I am also quite sick. I feel like shit. I probably have a sinus infection, along with a sore throat. My mom left my sister and I to take care of my 5 year old sister and 3 year old brother while she finished up Christmas shopping. I was already feeling shitty, but with two constantly fighting and crying children to watch out for, I felt like I was going through a cheese grater.

Perhaps the only source of solace I have here, considering I no longer have a room or my own bed in my own house, is videogames. I found out earlier that my copy of Skyrim was suddenly scratched beyond repair, for reasons unknown to me. I was just playing Assassin’s Creed: Revelations. In the midst of gameplay, my little sister runs into the room, her foot snagged a cord, causing my xbox to crash onto the floor. The disc within screeched as it was dislodged. Lo and behold, I open the disc drive and look at the scratches going around the entire circumference of the game: the same exact kind I noticed on Skyrim.

The two games I had any interest in playing are now ruined.

I just want to go back to my dorm, as sad as that sounds. But there’s a complication with that, too. There are always complications. Even with the financial aid that I get, I still need to pay the school almost $2,000 out of pocket. I was able to do it myself this past semester from working two jobs over the summer. But this past semester, I did not work because if I did, I would not have been able to visit family for the holidays (hah). I have been practically living off my boyfriend, shamefully, and it fucking kills me. The only money I do somehow obtain goes to my Proactiv, because my face is fucking disgusting. That money is taken directly out of my account before it ships. For all my life, my mom has been receiving child support payments from my father. It amounts to about $800 per month from him. But she’s never given the money to me. Technically, since I’m not living at home anymore, all of it should be going to me. But it’s not. She denies even getting any checks over the past few months because something about the moving and changing the address with the state etcetera etcetera. I have the same payment due in a few weeks.

My dad came up with a plan, though. For the longest time he has been trying to get that money directly to me and not my mom, because she doesn’t use it on just me. She uses it for everything else, too. Bills, the other kids, herself. He said he had connection with the child support agency, that he could just talk to some people and get it all straightened out. Said that because he only had two more months of payment left (I turn 21 in February; after that he no longer is obligated to pay anything) and the state wouldn’t really care if he just sent a note to them explaining the situation and then sent the money to me for school. He said his money situation is in good condition.

Of course that didn’t work like he said it would. And of course, as soon as this happens, he’s suddenly short on cash. I had already told my mom that my dad would take care of the payment. My dad was obligated by law to send the payment out. My dad said the only way we could make it happen would be to start a petition and go to court… but the court date would probably end up sometime in the spring. By that time, she would have gotten the last payment and the due date for mine would have been long past.

I’m slowly imploding, and Christmas lights look so pretty through tears. And that may have been the most emo thing I have ever said.

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